Peer Review for "Writing on the Walls"

In reading Brittany King's essay for writing on the walls, she clearly states her thesis, "Writing on the Walls song describes a relationship between two young people that is interrupted by another older person that is abusing one and no one does anything until it is too late, however the presence of them is bringing hope." The thesis statement itself doesn't exactly deal with rhetoric, but the rest of her essay does describe the rhetoric throughout it. Brittany's thesis statement just basically explains what the song is about in a nutshell, not what she is trying to persuade throughout the rest of her essay. The subject, however, relates to her thesis statement. She did an magnificent job in identifying the argument that defiers the text from the video. The argument of her essay is that by just reading the lyrics, you don't exactly know who the two people are, but by watching the video you can come to find that it is actually a little boy and girl. "The reader or listener doesn't know who the two people are let alone if they are a boy and a girl, two girls, etc., but by watching the video it portrays the two people as a young boy and a young girl which helps make sense of the song a little more."
On another not Brittany provides specific examples that supports Underoath's song and video of "Writing on the Walls." The examples are as follows:
1. "How could you trust it (these fate trashed walls), to fit the shape of what they tell you, come on, move on, move on, but mostly what they show you."
2. "Your almost gone and I'm ok (I still say you're sorry), to give you chance to be afraid."
3. Genders of the people in the video.
Some other examples that she could have used are:
1. "I'm taking back all the things I said, thinking back all the things I said."
2. "Keep me filled in, I swear I'll come."
The essay was well written, but like anyone's else's there is a few places that needed work. For instance, she could have put together the paragraphs together in a better way that would make the essay more effective. Also, I believe she could have mentioned pathos, logos, ethos, imagery, and etc. in the beginning of her essay.
After each example, Brittany gives an analysis. After each paragraph or her selection of lyrics, she analyzes if from either the lyrics or video for the song. This provides you with a better understanding of what's going on. The examples lead back to the thesis statement which gives you a more in depth interpretation of what the song is talking about. Also, this adds to the overview or thesis of the whole song.
1. "I remember your presence" could use a little more analysis, because he is saying that he will always remember her presence no matter what happens in the future.
2. Use more quotes from the lyrics when talking about the video, to help provide further analysis.
The sentence that stuck with me throughout the essay would be, "I know there must be some way out of here and all of them will be waiting there" means that you are my way out of here so please guide me there, I need you, and I'm sorry." This particular sentence caught my eye because it is in all seriousness true! No matter how hard life gets at times, there is always a way out. Nothing is ever bad enough that anybody would need to take it to a serious level.

By: Alissa Morgan