The thesis is fairly clear in this draft. "The whole song is written with a Pathos view and is very emotional" seems to be the thesis statement that surrounds the entire song. The theme of the song is emotion of the listener. The writer does not identify the argument used in the video, so that is something that he needs to go back and do. The draft does deal with rhetoric and subject matter. He uses direct examples of from the song to identify his argument. His argument is Jamaica is a tough place to live. He makes this very clear throughout his draft.
The writer does provide many quotes from the song to support his argument on the issue. He does not provide many examples from the video though. The main theme that the draft revolves around is: the Jamaica that most people think of is not the Jamaica that the natives think of. The native people identify a much more violent and poor country. He states that "tourists only see the nice beaches and don’t notice the people suffering in the ghettos." The writer could add examples of what types of crime take place in Jamaica and things of that nature.
The writer uses good examples to support his argument in his writing. His examples support his thesis. He needs to provide more examples from the music video for more support. He talks about political issues, he could give more specific examples of political leaders. The writer overall has a good first draft.
The one thing that sticks with me from this essay is the way the artist speaks. He uses a very informal way to get his point across. The way he tells of the violent and struggling country stands out to me. The language transition is what makes this song unique to me.
Zac Kaiser
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